i love YOU too ...

Questions for all are not mined out,
Reasons for each are not carved out;
Deep and dark the mines can be,
Impossible its to answer those may be .....


Aspects of life many give me pleasure,
Pain given by others dont count treasure;
Happiness is all I want in this life,
Selfish for it can how I be it is rife.....


Know not the way of love expression,
Makes me full of futile frustrations;
Think you everyday,everytime & in my dreams,
Unable to define though writing reams & reams....


Wish I could say love you very much,
But dont know the way I love you as such;
Beautiful is the way as I see this,
Deepened through time its just an abyss....


Not you are life's trunk my better-half,
Cause I am just a sail, she is the gaff;
More than a life partner you mean to me,
You are not the honey & I am not the bee.....


Words always the dictionary can define,
Cant express emotions however you align;
Know nobody can help in expressing emotions,
Never can be defined this absurd relation.....


Absurd may be this link mean to you,
I am still happy as it means something to you;
Rusted, old and weak this chain may be,
But nobody can break it except you and me....


I am just a grain and you are a twinkling star,
Trials are futile, you will be always at far;
Nothing I have which you appreciate or like,
Even if I show will be invisible in your light.....


Knowing this as well you show me some care,
As you are clad of jewels & I am still bare;
You, neither do I expect nor do I stare,
Telling these to you still never do I dare......


Watching you, spying you I am there always,
Invisible I become when looks me your eyes;
"Is it me?" for a moment you may wonder,
"Yeah its you." there is nothing to ponder.....


I am not sad for being helpless,
Neither I get pain nor any stress;
Wanted the all I want to confess,
Love for you will never become less......


If still wondering I cant help you,
Realize why you cant its only you;
Looks by writting is never my attempt,
Hope "You will believe", therefore did I tempt......


Know not what this feeling is though,
Enjoying it always makes me bow;
My beloved is there always ready to woo,
Apart from her I LOVE YOU TOO ......

Eccentric "e"

What is the first invention by man kind ?? Wheel. What is the first discovery of man kind ?? Fire. What is the first invention and discovery of man kind?? MATHEMATICS. Well Maths is not exactly an invention but the form of it which is known to man was an invention. Also neither it was discovered. If you say Mathematics was discovered then you have to change the defination of "Discovery". There are many things in this world where Mathematics is hidden and there are many things in this world where we add attributes to Mathematics when we dont find any other way out. One of such things is "e". e is not just the most used english letter in english but also in Mathematics. Whenever we think or come across e we think about Mathematics. But what I think is e is not exactly a mathematical thing. It has wide applications and implications. Well it has a mathematical ... rather numerical value but. Anyways ... so what is the value of e ?? For engineers "e" is just 2.71 or 2.718 for 99.99% accuracy. If you have more interests then please carry on.

There are 3 symbols or terms or identity or number which are hidden everywhere. Pi, e and i. These are called TRANSCENDENTAL NUMBERS. Pi is ancient, e is a little bit old and i is modern. Let us concentrate about e. Well why e is called so I dont know and didnt get any google results for it. Anyways e means something like "ECCENTRICITY". Eccentricity is an adjective mostly used for Men who are more concerned towards their interecsts and always land there where he needed to be. e is nothing more than it.

Well I am not a Mathematician .... but I can follow Mathematicians. Maxwell once said "Mathematics is the art of saying the same thing in many different ways". So I will be trying to explain e in my language in the next few paragraphs.

If I were GOD then I would have represented the whole mathematics on a graph paper. And all things in mathematics are functions for me. e is also a function. All mathematical functiona are eccentric in some way or other. Straight lines are not eccentric tottally. All curves are eccentric on the other hand. Eccentricity according to me is how much a function is remaining itself. Well this is difficult to understand. Let me simplify it. I can say how much and at what rate a thing changes is its eccentricity. There are many functions which have low eccentricity than e and there are many which have more than that of e. e can be defined as unity or having unit eccentricity. That is it changes by it self and it always remains what is it. Thats why I love e (and ofcourse mathematics). Try to be like e and you will be a great person. If I try to be more mathematical then .... let us see an example. Suppose you have Rs.1/- in a bank and you are given 100% interest on it. That means at the end of one year you will get Rs1/- + Rs1/- = Rs2/-.

If you are clever enough and convinced the manager to pay you 50% rate of interest per half year then you will get Rs1/- + Rs0.5/- after 6 months. And so you will get Rs (1.5)^2. If the rate becomes 33.3333% and you draw after every 4 months then you will get Rs.(1+1/3)^3 after a year. Now let us see how you become a millionaire and reach e at the same time.

n (n+1/n)^n
1 2
10 2.59374
100 2.70481
1000 2.71692
.......................
.......................
1000000 2.71828

Now I cant go beyond it. I have to write a program to find the amount for large investments. So basically I want to say that e is (1+1/n)^n where n is infinite. Well it is impossible to tell the exact value of e as we dont define infinity. I think through you can see how much e is itself. The more you think the more will you get near it but you can never reach it. Its like a supreme soul. Absolute truth. But the most important thing is it remains itself all the time and at the same time it changes at the rate of itself. Well hard to imagine. But it is. (e cant never be the interest at the end of one year if you have Rs.1/- as principal in any case).

Change is inherent. We talk about changes always. Then how will we see e as?? Let "y" is an amount which depends on "t". And we all know that the rate of change of "y" w.r.t "t" is represented as "dy/dt" . If "y" = t^2 , then "dy/dt" = 2t. Now think about a "y" whose rate of change is "y" it self. It is now a kid's play to say that then "y" = "e^t". And obviously "d(e^t)/dt" = "e^t". This is called exponential growth. Well I am not saying any thing new. But I am trying to make you understand what "e" is and what being yourself and change at your own .... totally independent of others. Some mathematicians have defined e as "THE RATE AT WHICH THINGS CHANGE". Well e is somewhat nearer to 2.718281824459 within accuracy of 99.9999999999999%.

e is widly used by a lot of peoples from Pop Musicians to Farmers. Engineers and Scientists use it frequently. Anthrax spreads at a rate of pe^ct and volcanoes extinguish at a rate of "c0 - ce^c0t". We talk and our sounds vibrate near by atoms and they fade out at rate equal to e/2. Pesticides are most effective if they are poured at a concentartion gradient equal to e and many more. e is hidden every where and yet noticed nowhere. Being the most ideally eccentric thing in this world e inspires me a lot to be myself. Can you be so eccentric??? e I wish I can reach e. Dont you wonder so??

Soon I will write about Pi and i.



(Reference - Ganita Bichitra)

What is Pure ? Love or Lust !!!

Well I have the bad habit of questioning absurd questions and defining them myself and thereby wasting my time. Anyways now I am concentrating on the thing called "LOVE" ...... one of the most mysterious phenomenon with human beings (and also other unsocial animals). Well I remember a dialouge from Dil Chahta Hai at this juncture .... "There are many things in this world which are beyond the understanding of humanbeings. So better succumb to this sweet poison before it kills you." Well I dont know exactly what the four word letter means ..... (still then I say to my gf that I love her) .... but I can think to define it. Now we are in 3rd millenium but "Love" was there right from the birth of humanbeings or may be even before. As inherent from the topic I am talking about "Love" between opposite sexes not love for your mother or brother or friend. At this point you can say two guys or gals can Love each other. Well I am actually running out of words but the word which come to our mind here is "HOMOSEXUALITY". Homosexuality although due to chromosomal abberations (in maximum cases) is getting sexual satisfaction with somebody of same sex. If I say I love a guy then you may say he is my friend ..... but if I say I want to spend my whole life with him and I dont even look at girls then nodoubt .. you wll obviously look at my sexual tendency (looking down upon me is quite obvious even if I am not wrong). So my point here is if I say I love a gal or better ..... u say u love a gal (if u are a guy) or a guy (if u are a gal) and I react to you in the same way as you reacted to me when I said I am homosexual then you will start hating me ....." You dont understand what love is. You are sick and only think of Sex. " ..... Well I dont know if thinking about sex is sickness or not but I want to say that although there are many matured people who can understand my point still there is a group of peoples here who hate homosexuality and the same time are straight in nature and say " I dont love for SEX." Well I agree ..... actually you are "BINGO" .... but you are not answering me what I asked. Yes you are correct that you dont started loving your beloved for LUST. ........ I am not a good teacher (neither a good student) ..... so let me try something different.

Biologically all living system have the property of reproduction and so sex is obvious. Nature has made this format ... so being straight is a natural thing. But not being straight is not artificial too. Anyway forget the minorities .... "Straight ... Zindabad." Now if you love somebody of opposite sex my first question is "Why do you love him/her ..... is not it for sex only ??? " If you ask me the same question I will say "No, not ONLY for Sex." And I think you will agree with me. Well Sex is a minor thing infact is just a nonsense (but it is the only way nature has selected for survival and existance and continuity ...... although nowadays other techniques are there they are not used so frequently). What is Love and how it happens is user defined but there are some points common in each loving couple like care, affection, understanding, possesion, trust, relation, friendship and Happiness. Being together makes us happy. Love is the mean of living and is well accepted in society. Yes it is a quite natural thing. In love stories and in many movies we see the height of love. Lovers can go upto giving their lifes for the sake of their partners. Well may seem unnatural to some ie. loving somebody else than your life but love is really capable of doing such things. Loving some body very much can make you do impossible things. But such instances are also available with family members, friends (and in rare cases just for strangers). Well we love our family members , our friends. Love with family members is not serendipity or coincidence, it is natural. You meet some persons in your life after being born and started making them more personal, you developed good understanding with them and called them your friends. Well it is too quite natural. In course of time this friendship becomes intense and you start loving your friends .... pure and unconditional, such that you can give your life from them. (But what statistics says is human mind always cares for his/her spouse more than just friends and also the instances of sacrifices for spouse is much more than for family & friends.)

Now the virus enters in your life .... you loose every thing .... you say you have lost your heart but you still have that 320 pounds inside your ribs ... safe and sound and beating although with different rate. He/She becomes more personal to you than any other buddy. You develop interest and affection for him/her. I am not saying it is bad ... infact it is good and fruitful. The whole world seems beautiful to you. You try to become a good person. You become a Gentleman/Lady. You made yourself what everybody wanted you to be all the time. You are nice man/woman now. Just for a single guy/girl you achieved so many things. When your freinds & family told you to something you denied, you argued and hurt them. Now the same thing told by your beloved you said he/she made me understand things. Family & friends couldnt help me in understanding it. Well do you thing I am wrong? Yah ..... may be in your case but I am speaking of majority. Then you start forgetting friends and family. They are just for arranging your marriage and help you in your bad times.(Also you can become viceversa ie. good from bad) Dont argue with me on this topic. These are phenomenons ... not my opinions. Are you getting me? I am trying to say that one extra girl/guy did it all. Just an EXTRA person. Now dont you think all these are for your happiness. Isnt it for the EXTRA care, EXTRA affection, EXTRA love, EXTRA trust ........all these leading you to enjoy something EXTRA cant be given by just anybody. ISNT IT JUST FOR SEX. Well I am not giving a statement but I am confused. I need your help. Help me in it.

Well it may be beyond human mind but still you can try to understand it. What is it really that matters? Love or Lust ??? Lust is simple, shy and honest .... What is Love then ??? There can be pure Lust ... but can love be pure? What is pure love ? Lust may be a part of Love but ...... is it always so ???? I dont know.I really dont know. Do you know "What is pure? Love or Lust ?

Unanswered.......

Being in a technical university it is an assumption that we know and have to give reasons for anything/everything demanded by proffessors or society or whatever. We have to give a reason in the most perfect way or lose your grades. If you dont find any reason or complain that it is absurd then get the hell out of here .... you dont deserve to be a techie. Manipulate it and try to show that you know as much as a techie then you are like me ....... a chhagi. Still then I will get a degree of Tech. ... so I have assumed that I am also a techie, I dont need your objection here. "CHHAGI" a famous and common word with techies used where ever possible ..... right from avoiding to tell your exact CG to boasting that you do many things apart from acads ....... from Vinod Gupta to just not dropped out of your university. Ask a chhagi after he returns from facad "How do you feel?" ... (dont ask me as I have plenty of reasons why I didnt do well .... again I manipulate reasons) ... Well I dont know the answer cause I am a techie chhagi unlike others. Well what then ... dont ask me ... dont know other fellow chhagians feelings .... what the hell I am trying to tell ??? ........ But I feel ... being a homosapien due to some hormone secretions and blood flow rate gradient I too feel ..... "How many questions in life is answered ?? " ... Imagine there were no you ... no me.....no blog.....no net....... no freinds ... no enemies.... no proffs .. no univs.... no homosapiens .... no beasts .... no birds .... no animals.... no plants .... no microbes .... no unicellular or no multi cellular organisms ... no dianosaurs ... no comets ... no oceans .... no mountains ... no earth ... no sun ... no solar system ... no milky way .... no other galaxies .... no universe ..... nothing ..... absolutely nothing .... remember you are just imagining and still have the capacity to tell and answer things ... as you are right here but you are just imagining .... Now right from this point at a frame that is starting frame and next frame is being you a superb techie .... "Why the hell are you here??" ... "Are you a bonded labour or what???? " ..... still have no sense ... Dont tell me about the three letters word GOD .... Thinking about GOD reminds me a guy's love and respect for his mother when he bunked a class because her mother told him not to go out of his room and avoid the evil Grahan (solar eclipse)... as well as the proffs reactions listening to these.... "You are in the highest level of university of Science and Technology and still believe in these superstitions ......... Shame on you." ... well the student never believed if the effects of solar eclipse existed but still didnt answer back to his GOD right there before him . So I was telling you that dont tell me GOD is the answer . OK ..... Think .... Try ... Think ... Try ... Calculate ... Compute ... Develop an algo .... write a code .... Write a thesis .... what ever you do ... can you tell me Why the hell are you here .... "Why the hell are you reading my blogspot??" ...... "Why I am writting it right now??" ... Rubbish ... isnt it ?? Okkkkk .... I am a little abnormal homosapien .... with different blood-flow gradients .... Lets move to the next phase. Now you are here .... right here infront of your computer reading my blog. Forget past ... dont think about "why are you here" and "why are you reading my blog". Now tell me "What will you do??" Well I am not telling you to go to future and get me the answer ... but I am asking about your plans .... your prospectives. Let me help ..... oops interfer you in answering it. Apart from the regular and local loads at this point of time ....( which means only time defined happiness and going to be sweet nostalgia .. few years later ) ... what do you have for future ?? Well ... a good peaceful that is moneyful life ....a sweet home and a giant house ... a Mercedes Benz ... a passport and Visa anytime .... a renowed powerful post ..... two-three pics twice in a year or better in a month (if I am underestimating you) in Times Of India ..... an honoured alumni .... a trademark fame ... a perfect example of success ..... sorry I am running out of words .... add yourself what ever you like to add. Now can I please ask you "Why?????? " ......Before answering it you may like to say that I am wrong and you want to be a dedicated human-being ... want to lead a sacrificial role in the service of human-being. So ... we have two points exactly opposite to each other .... you can tick your option. Now I will ask the first category my same old nonsense question ...."Why????" ... I dont think it is tough ... answer is simple and is "Happiness " ... (i will try to avoid telling you that happiness is still due to some blood-flow gradient and hormonal secretions) .... yes happiness is the point ... Although I want to ask again that why are you happy in these things I will avoid it as you may scold me ..... "Why the hell you are after my intentions and personal ambitions. Dont you have any other good interesting point?? Why the hell I will think about what ifs and how?? I live in the present and sometimes dream about future. I am not an abnormal human-being like you that I will think about past and my existance. I am here just because the world needed me here. let me carry on my work here and be famous. Dont interupt my conscience in becoming GOD for people. Now shut up and get the hell out of here." .... Yes I am afraid ... you may scold me like this. I hate being scolded. Actually I dont exactly hate being scolded but hate being the reason of anger in any other person. Now let us move to the second category ... the dedicated group ... deicated to the service of mankind ... I am a human so they are also dedicated to me in some way. So Mr/Mrs Dedicated .... can you answer my question .... same old nonsense question "Why??" .... I tell to myself ... "They are going to say something which is going to be much much much larger than my blog ... infact whole of bloggers ... more than all text files available on net. They will just start and beat me at my weakest point. So better interprete before they start full flegedly." ... So I listened to myself and told Mr./Mrs Dedicated "I know you dont think about "Why??" ... you are a respectable , sacrificial, helpful human-being and you think it is your duty to help others ( with or without Mercedes Benz) .... still than please answer me ... I mean help me ... I am confused (over things which doesnt matter to others and to my "future"). .... He/She starts .. " ............................ !@%! ...... &&&*$%#!@ .... @##&^#& ...... ~@~``#@^ ..... blah blah blah blah". For a moment I felt like Forrest Gump. Well then I was like Arjuna listening to Lord Krishna the Bhagwad Gita .... I was given a Dibya Dristy ... ... I can understand people ... I can see inside them now. .... and What The F ..... What I am looking at with my new visions .... what I am listening with my enhanced listening powers .... What is being chanted there .... I cant listen it but surely can hear it .... Is it the Bhagwad Gita?? Lemme concentrate .... No No No ... This is not Bhagwad Gita. Let me tell you what I am looking at ... I am looking at Lord Krishna ... ooops Mr./Mrs. Dedicated .... I am using his Dibya Dristy to look at his mind ... what is there and what is being chanted there .... Its not Bhagwad Gita .... Well the slokas goes like this " Name, Fame, Money, Power, Position, Luxury .... etc etc etc etc." .... I come back to my senses only to realize that I was not off my senses .... I dont have any Dibya Dristy neither any enhanced hearing capability .... I am just as normal as you in hearing and vision ( dont feel ashamed if I am comparing you to me ... actually I am trying to compare myself to you) .... So Mr./Mrs. Dedicated's brain tells it all. I dont know how you people have given him the authority to be called so. Well I am a little-bit responsible for it too. He/She is not actually Dedicated or Sacrificial . ... So if I ask them "Why????" I dont know how will they kill me.but I know my "Why??" is not going to be answered.

Before interfering me in my feelings I will tell you that if you have any objections regarding my second category then I can neither make you understand nor try to ..... because what I feel is you are already in the second group in that case. Actually I dont understand why will not a person who is cautious of his dignity and fame will not help a crying puppy in the public. You see he will get a good chance of showing his dedicated nature. You can say ..."What if I show you a dedicated person who cares for a crying wounded puppy not at public ie. at a remote corner where there is no people to appreciate him/her ???" Well yes ... you are trying to hit me at my weakest point. But I am too good at imagining and defining (because of my abnormal blood-flow gradient). If you help a crying wounded puppy you are actually helping your self..... I know you never wanted to touch a puppy's swelling , smelling, bleeding wound and help it ... it is because it fell before your eyes ... if you have gone unnoticed you would not have been able to sleep at night .... you would have felt guilty and would have felt unhappy. You will say " Bingo. Thats why I helped it. I am dedicative and helpful in nature." Well I will again try to make you understand that you are afraid of being unhappy ... you did it for your happiness ... not exactly intentionally for the puppy. Why the hell will any clean disease free human being will touch it. Why ??? You will say "Why do you care?? It gives me happiness (bound to be on a agreement ... better confession.. with me and therefore with more anger) and helps the puppy to survive. It is not bad at all. It is helping two living things to remain happy. Why are you trying to destroy happiness and peace. Dont you have any work?? Go to Hell and ask your old nonsense question "Why???" there."

I know you are just going to say like that and not exactly giving me the address of "Hell" where you told me to go. If you give me the address of Hell ... I may try to go there. But I will avoid it as I know .... "Some Questions Are Better Unanswered" ........ just like the sem papers of mine a chhagi .... which in trial of manipulating the reason becomes a question itself and confuses me a chhagi and make sense that I dont study to My GODs .... Proffs ... even if I study and hides the fact that I Am A Chhagi With Low IQ trying to find reasons for every "WHY??????"

My First and Only Diary Entry till now ..... (June 23, 2005)

I have no idea why I am writting. It is not that I usually write or I mean it to be read. My conscious mind is telling me this should never be read but who knows what the subconsious mind wants. If by any chance you are reading this then I bet you must already have praised my nice-handwritting. Actually I can write. I have the potential in English Language to write sentences in more dramatical way in simple words than using critical terms. GOD knows wheather I will clear CAT. Ooooops ....... "GOD" is a user defined thing from my point of view. My point of view has reamined almost constant from my childhood and remain hated from my childhood too. I know 90% of people cant be wrong but wrong and right are user defined again. So better leave the aspirations of changing me if you have any. Really is the above sentece meaningful?? I mean changing of point of view and changing of man. Are both synonomous , both the same phenomenon??? I dont know. Its my point of view. Actually the thing is that I felt like writting. Hey, I am not Forrest Gump.... Ok. I would like to be like him but wouldnt love. I know Smoking is Injurious to Health but I dont know why there is always written "Smoking is Injurious to Health". Does it really matter? I mean the above saying. In my case it didnt. Well I remember at this juncture DPD's line " I want to do something close to my Heart ...................................................... and Lungs." Frankly speaking ( all my writtings from begining to this point are also very frank) I havent done anything till this date. If you know me then try to remember if I have done anything. Here "doing" doesnt means the mechanical or physical doings. Will I do something??? Frankly speaking again I dont know actually. Am I a human being?? I dont know. But 100% evidence is there from my point of view to prove that I am a human being. But I dont know What I am is "me" or not. It may be MATRIX. We may be from XION and our minds are programmed to enjoy this life or it may be that it has not started. It may start from scratch like the Movie Terminator. Wow ... what a great movie is the Terminator. Is'nt it ? Terminator reminds me of AI. In this world where we dont have confidenceon our own intelligence how can we be sure of AI. yah there is evidence. Softwares are not self defining, they may be capable of self awarness but. It is raining now. I am feeling sleepy. I want to sleep. Because our subconcious mind wants to be happy. We may surface that or may not.